One of the most important decisions a sub has to make is to find a Dom. And we talk about Dominants including all kinds of genders and sexes.
For a newbie or submissive who wants to explore her sexuality in BDSM, the very initiative to find someone to share her concerns with and put her concerns to the test is a big step that often takes a long time of reflection and doubts.
What do you have to look for to choose a Dominant?
We must bear in mind that BDSM is a set of risky practices. Words like Dominating, submitting, restraining, and causing pain are means to enjoy and obtain pleasure; we enjoy submission, bondage and pain, that’s why we do it. But in doing so, it is our responsibility to understand that we are playing a dangerous game and it is our responsibility to take steps to protect ourselves.
It is for this same reason that in the world of alternative sexuality and, specifically, in the world of BDSM, there is a very strong awareness regarding consent; more than in the vanilla universe. Concepts such as SSC (Healthy, Safe and Consensual) or RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink) go hand in hand with risky practices, and the Dominatrix London community knows this very well.
These words are the first thing a person who is curious about BDSM should learn and burn himself. The Dominants, to understand that having someone at their mercy does not give them the right to do what they want without previously agreeing to it, and the submissives, to understand that they are the ones who have real control of the situation and those who they set the limits.
Unfortunately, not all Dominants understand, accept or have been informed about these very basic concepts. You will understand how this can be a problem when carrying out risk practices with this specific sector of “Dominant”. If the one with the whip ignores the submissive party’s safe word or if limits have not been agreed beforehand, the situation can end very badly.
This is the main fear of the submissive, that by showing themselves as such there are people who take the liberty of disrespecting them, ignoring their limits and their conditions. It’s the reason there are so few submissives on the contact pages, why there are so few submissives on the Munchies.
Dominants say finding a sub is hard; they don’t know what it’s like to find a Dominant. Dominants have the 4 profiles of Fetlife submissives that they know by heart; Submissives have to filter dozens of requests and sift the good from the bad between unsolicited penis photos, promising messages, terrifying messages, and wave k aces.
Are you going to put yourself in the hands of someone who makes you call the second message Lord? The answer is no. What you are going to do is be a responsible person, understand that you are exposing yourself to dangerous gambling, and therefore, take certain measures to protect yourself. You’re going to have to filter out those fake Dominants who can end up hurting you; not sentimental damage, but real damage: physical damage and mental damage. You have to learn to identify red flags and say no; knowing how to say that it is not very important for a submissive, as contradictory as it may seem.
Basic traits that a Dominant must have
Yes or yes, someone who calls himself Dominant and wants to get serious in the world of BDSM must have the following traits:
Communication . A Dominant must always be open to communication and receptive to what the submissive party has to say to him. Also vice versa. Communication between the dominant and submissive parties must be free and unimpeded. There must be a space outside the game where you can speak with total freedom to discuss and agree on the circumstances, limits, protocols, etc. of the relationship. If this channel fails, a real BDSM relationship cannot work.
Honesty . A Dom must be honest with himself and he must be honest with his submissive; A Dom who lies, manipulates, or hides important information needs to do something else in his spare time.
Patience . Patience is a very necessary trait to be Dominatrix Londont; When you have the safety of a person in your hands, losing your temper can play very bad tricks.
Confidence . A Dom must be a person who above all generates trust; without trust there is no communication, no honesty. If a so-called Dominant doesn’t build you any confidence, listen to your instincts and keep looking.
Good sense . But above all, the Dominant must be someone sensible, with his feet on the ground and his head on his shoulders. You don’t have to make weird movies or pretend to be someone you are not. You have to understand what being Dominant is and what it means to yourself and your submissive.